Fuck cancer.

It's been a while since I last updated, I know. I apologize for that. Things have just been pretty chaotic in my life lately. I don't want to get too far into it, but I also don't want to be too vague.

My dad was diagnosed with follicular lymphoma earlier this year, and started with aggressive treatments of chemotherapy right away. A couple months ago we were thankful to find out it had gone into remission. He's been in a lot of pain lately, and tried to go get tests done. I say "tried" because the lovely doctors were so kind to refuse to give him the tests unless he paid right then and there. They did this to him twice, causing him to become very depressed and angry. After my mother called the office and told them if they'd rather my parents go to the ER and give them their money they would, the doctor's changed their tune and got my dad right in. Greedy fucking bastards. I understand that everyone needs to get paid, but seriously...hound the people who have money and insurance. Maybe if my dad could get some help he could actually go back to work and get insurance. We finally got the results of the test last week. Everything looked alright, but they think he has an ulcer. Though that's probably not what is causing him all the pain he is in. So we have no idea about that yet.

The night before Thanksgiving my mother got some unfortunate news from my uncle. His 14 year-old son had died. Cancer. Fucking cancer. The kid barely got to become a human being. I left work early on Thanksgiving once someone else got there. I went to Peter's house on my way home. I needed a hug, and I didn't want to break down in front of my family. I feel the need to be the strong one for everyone, so I try not to cry. It was quite difficult to hold it together at the funeral on Saturday, but I did my best. Needless to say, it's been a busy and stressful last couple of weeks.

Really on the kink side, there isn't much to report. Except that Peter has taken a liking to my left butt cheek. He's been focusing his spankings on that cheek only. Well, not only. 9 times out of 10 he gives the left one a crack.

I'm feeling really exhausted right now, so I am going to scoot off to bed. Hopefully I have something new and more cheerful to report next time. Hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving!

I saw that you are into comics. What are your favorites? Are you into any web comics, as well?

I'm actually really picky about my comics. I can't read a comic if I don't like the art. It's far too distracting for me. So I actually read far less than I would if I could get past the art issue.

I read old Spider-Man, Metalocolypse, I just picked up a Doctor Who book that I can't wait to read, I have some iZombie comics that I have yet to read, but I'll get around to it eventually.

As for web comics, a friend of mine has a forum that has feeds from Cyanide & Happiness, XKCD, and Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. I've also read Real Life Comics, but it's been a while since I've been able to read that. I got really behind at one point, and it's quite a task playing catch up. haha.

Ask me anything!

I enjoyed how you answered the question on polyamory, just thought I'd say that. You mentioned enjoying educating yourself on sexual matters, what fetishes are you most curious to know about?

I can't really think of any one thing specifically. I mean...I'm still learning more about electro play. And also trying to figure out which type of wand would I be most comfortable with. It's a long process...Basically what ends up happening is I read a post on Fetlife (usually from the submissive women's group), and then all the replies to it. If I feel myself still curious on the matter, I'll usually google it and do as much reading as I can.

For instance...Since Peter and I began our relationship and talked about kinks and the like, one thing he had mentioned was candle wax. I never figured there was anything to it. I figured it was "ok, let's light this candle I happen to have in my room and drip wax on your body". I never knew the differences in waxes and how the color or style of candle effects the temperature of the wax when it drips. Not until I read a post about one submissive using one of those lotion candles and giving her review on them for wax play. That's when I got curious, and started to look up wax types, and anything relating to wax play.

Ask me anything!

Breaking skin.

Wednesday morning, Peter sent me this text: "We're gonna have some fun on Friday slut. I want to see that ass turn black and blue." Of course this excited me to my very core, so before actually going to bed, I had masturbated. The combination of the text and self pleasure probably led to the pretty intense sex dreams I had that night. The one I remember the most is the one I woke up to, which the end image that is in my head is me squirting everywhere. This lead to a topic of discussion in one of the groups I'm part of on Fetconnect. In the topic about how many times you have masturbated today, I mentioned how I had Wednesday night, and then had a sex dream later on. I then asked if that counted? Which lead me to think I could ask Peter's opinion on the matter as well. When I asked, he said "Yes, only because I want to be evil.", knowing that by saying yes, it would most likely put me over my limit. When it was confirmed, he said I would have to be punished. My thoughts were that once we got to playing, he would not allow me to cum, but I will get to that soon.

This weekend was filled with a lot of fun, both inside and outside of the bedroom, as well as some stress. Normally I stay over Peter's house the entire weekend. But near the end of the work day on Friday, he told me to just come straight to his house (instead of going to get my dog, then coming over), and that I probably shouldn't stay over. When I got off work and had started on my way to his house, he called to tell me if I want to stay to go get my dog, then come over. The issue had been his work. They were trying to make him work a position he had not been trained for (even though he has asked many times to be trained). Anyway...long story short, by the end of the day things were worked out, and he didn't have to work. So I went to pack my things, and head on over. After having some dinner, we came back and snuggled on the couch. He started to tease me with a kiss, then deny me the next. This went on for several minutes before he started to grab my hair and guide me here and there. This led to me crouched down on the floor, and he whispered in my ear to go to his room, take off all my clothes, kneel on the ground, and wait for him. I followed his instructions and waited. By the time he got in the room (which wasn't very long at all), my legs had become painfully numb (I apparently have poor circulation). He grabbed my hair and pulled my head up, bent down to kiss me, then went over to his dresser. He pulled pulled out the paddle and gave me a few good swats. Then he went back, and began to pull more things out. I peaked behind me, and he saw me. He stopped, and told me to keep my head down and facing away from him. He brought the cane out and began to serve me some more punishment. I was giddy as hell because I had been craving the cane for so long. He switched to the flogger briefly until I told him that the pain in my legs was becoming unbearable (it's not the "feel good" kind of pain I like). He then stopped, and told me that he hoped I took advantage of my privileges while I had them, because he was taking them away (meaning my one time weekly self pleasure privilege). He then began to work behind me before moving in front of me, ordering my wrists out to him. Peter then tied them up tight, then told me to stand. I stood with great difficulty since the pain was pretty extreme. He told me to go to the end of the bed where he had laid out the spreader bar, and spread my legs. He cuffed my ankles and attached the bar. Taking my wrists, he wrapped another strand of rope in between my wrists and connected it to the headboard of his bed, effectively bending me over the foot of the bed leaving me incapable of moving more than a few inches. He resumed my punishment, switching back and forth between tools, adding the new Wartenberg wheel. When he dragged it down my sides, it tickled so I giggled. Which led him to do it more, and harder. God, that felt soo good. Occasionally, Peter would run his hand across my cunt, feeling how wet I was, then gently teasing my asshole before he slid into me. It was an interesting position to be fucked in, but I enjoyed it very much. Being that restricted, and not having really any control....it was incredible. Eventually, I completely lost real feeling in my hands and the pain from it became quite distracting. Peter untied me and ordered me to my back, and fucked me so hard for quite a while. He allowed me to cum which was really awesome, and I squirted quite a bit. Then he went for the thing he loves; my ass. God, it hurt. He had been planning to get me a plug so we could train my ass, but we have yet to get around to that yet. Eventually it started to feel better, but at first...yeah, pain. After we were done, he allowed me to go clean up before he did. When he came back to the room, he brought me a towel to put on the bed and told me to sit down on it to soak up my mess. We sat together and talked about the session. He had been wanting to tie me up how he did for a while, and this was a perfect time to do it. He brought one thing to my attention that I never knew happened; he said he knew I was really turned on but not because he saw me drip...no no. He said my pussy was so swollen and red, which I had no clue that sort of thing happens. I learned something about myself that nigth! ha. Peter also mentioned that with the wheel, he broke skin. It wasn't bad, but deep enough to make me bleed a little. I didn't notice when it happened. Even if I had, it wouldn't have phased me since I am slightly curious about knife play. We spent the rest of the night nerding out; him on his DS playing one of my pokemon games, and me on my PS3 playing Dead Rising 2 (I just bought it, and I LOVE it!). We had to go to bed early because we both had to be up for work in the morning (Peter at 3am, and me at 7am).

By the time I got back to his house after work on Saturday, it was after 1pm and his dad was just finishing up installing a new stove. Peter's other stove worked fine, but this one was a newer, nicer one that his cousin gave to him. What threw me off was as soon as I walked in, I smelled gas. I figured it was just some extra gas that might have been in the pipe from the old stove. Peter opened a window to clear it out before we went to the store. We went out to go shopping, and upon coming back the smell was strong again. This became a back and forth issues all day. His dad came back and forth, replacing a hose....Peter ended up just turning off the gas to the stove until we were ready to cook dinner (veggie chili). I was a bit sore from the sex the other night, so he had to go really easy on me for sex that night.

Sunday ended up being a busy day. Out for breakfast followed by yet another visit from Peter's dad to try and fix the stove issue, the pet store, another visit from his dad, and then finally when we thought the stove was fixed we went to a baby shower for a friend of mine. The moment we walked back in the door, we smelled gas again. Windows open, gas turned back off..we were quite irritated. We decided to curl up in his room and relax. We talked for a bit, and nuzzled noses with each other. We started to get a little frisky after that. The craving for a nice beating started to boil back up to the surface like it did the week before. This time I made myself speak up. Peter said he would, but first he wanted to fuck me for a while first. God that man feels so good. When he stopped, he went to grab the paddle and had me bend over. He gave me quite a few good cracks. I kept squirming all over though he kept telling me to hold still. When I didn't, he'd swat me harder. To give my bottom a break, he had me hang my head off the end of the bed and suck on him while he paddled my cunt. I enjoy it when he smacks my cunt, but this was a different sensation. The hard plastic hitting my piercing which in turn hit my clit was pretty interesting. Dropping the paddle on the bed, he began to smack my tits, a sensation I never knew I would love as much as I do. A few moments later, Peter instructed me to roll over onto my knees and bend over by the edge of the bed. This is when he brought back the cane and gave me multiple whips with it. I'd squirm all over and the more I did, the faster and more forceful he'd flick his wrist, and the farther down my legs he would go. When he was ready to switch, he told me one more good one before grabbing the paddle again. You'd think after all the paddling and caning my ass would have been numb, but it wasn't. I felt the crack of the paddle once more....one after the other until he was pleased. Three more, he told me, then asked me to repeat that. After the first one, he asked how many more, and the same after the second. When he was done, he admired his work on my ass and legs before having me turn over to fuck once more. Peter brought his face to mine, kissed me and said when you can't sit tomorrow, think about the marks and how much I love you. So many times it felt like I was about to cum but it didn't seem to want to happen. Peter could tell and asked if I wanted to. When I said yes, he stopped to grab a towel to put under my bottom. When I came, it erupted all over the place including my tits. Peter moved to kneel by my head so I could suck on him while he continued to touch my clit. He made me cum until my squirting died down. He switched back and forth between my mouth and my cunt until he came, then made me lick him clean before allowing me to clean up. We pulled the towel up (which had been double up twice) and the bed was still pretty wet. I can't believe I squirted that much, but it's a pretty cool thing I think. I thanked Sir for the beating that I so desperately wanted (lots of use of the cane), and curled up with him. Peter told me why he stopped with the cane when he did. Apparently right before the last three cracks, the cane broke skin on my ass and I started to bleed a little. So that is twice in a weekend that we accidentally broke skin. Crazy, but it all felt so good! I could tell right away it was going to be difficult to sit down. We snuggled together and relaxed until I had to leave so he could get to bed.

Sunday night when I got home, my panties were irritating the fuck out of my ass. At work on Monday I couldn't move much without feeling the sting. It's now Tuesday, and I can still barely sit without feeling how sore I am. Please, don't think I'm complaining. I love this feeling. And like he told me, I feel it and know how much he loves me.

Polyamory...do you think it's workable, realistic, desirable or ridiculous?

For me personally, it's not something I desire. I've tried just casually dating multiple people at once, and it was stressful, and confusing at times....it's just not something I could handle. Me being the type of person I am, I felt guilty if I spent more time with one than the other. And when it came down to anything intimate (I am being careful with words because I was not sleeping with all parties involved), I just found myself comparing them. Which I suppose could have been a good thing if I were to start anything serious with any of them, but it wasn't healthy. Actually, in the particular instance I am thinking of, none of those relationships worked out. A couple got jealous, while the others didn't seem to care (even though nothing serious had even been established). Being a very sexual person, I see the draw to it. Some people would say they get bored having sex with the same person all the time, so they may believe by having multiple partners (all being ok with this), they have less of a chance to get bored. For me, I know it just means that I was not with the right person. I figured there would eventually be someone that I would not be bored with (even when we weren't kinking it up). Trial and error. It's a time consuming, tedious process, but it works.

In general, I wouldn't say it's not workable or realistic. I'm sure there are plenty of people who manage to make that sort of relationship work for them. Funny, I enjoy educating myself on all things sexual (mainly fetishes) and yet I am not that familiar with how others deal with this sort of thing. I have known friends to have open relationships or marriages, but that aspect of the relationship not working out that well.

Honestly, if you have the right mindset about it, I believe it is possible to make it work. I would think you would have to be very open minded and comfortable with yourself, and in turn not get jealous easily. And as long as you can manage your time and energy between the people involved, it can work. I'm not saying it wouldn't be hard, stressful, or emotionally draining because I'm sure it would be. You would just have to really prepare yourself for what you're getting into.

Seeing that I have no successful experience in this department (and really have no desire to try it again), it's pretty much all guess work for me. I can't really say it's ridiculous though. I really can only say that I believe it is not for me.

I hope I answered your question and didn't ramble too much (which I am prone to do).

Ask me anything!

do you ever feel like you are degrading yourself or just doing this because you have low self esteem?

I would have to say no to both of these.

I never feel like less of a person when I engage in acts of submission. You'd think it'd be the exact opposite, but for me....it's not. I can't speak for every other submissive/slave out there, but Peter makes sure I know he doesn't think less of me. Instead, he makes me feel completely adored, beautiful, and loved.

I have dealt with low self-esteem issues all of my life, so that would be easy to assume as a possibility. If that were the case, I don't think I would enjoy it as much as I do. I have always had a thing for the pain I would receive from rough play, though I never knew to what extent. I don't ever find myself taking a beating just to please him. Girls tend to get wet in their nether regions when they get turned on. When I'm tied up, bent over, and getting my ass paddled, or my back flogged, within minutes my cunt is actually dripping onto the bed. Hell, I'm getting hot just thinking about it. Haha.

If anything, my self-esteem has grown since becoming active in this lifestyle. I feel better about myself just in general than I did say eight months ago.

Ask me anything!

Honesty....is key.

Peter and I finally got around to using his birthday gift Saturday afternoon. My concern with this gift was that it was three wheels instead of just the one, and that it would hurt more (and not in a good way). But I was excited none the less. When he used it, he did go gentle at first which tickled. He went a bit harder, and it started to feel really good. I was so surprised at how much I enjoyed it since I was still just getting used to the single wheel, but it was great!

Sunday, it made yet another appearance during sex. He ran it across my back like normal, but more on my ass and legs which I was loving ever second of it. Peter then had me flip over on my back, and started to roll it across my shoulders, collar bone, and up my neck. That when I started to freak out. The good kind of freak out. It sent all these incredible waves all over my body. The sensation was.....I have no idea how to explain it. had he been doing that, fucking me, and playing with my clit at the same time, I was sure to come. I just think that would have been difficult since he was holding himself up with one hand, fucking me, and rolling the wheel up and down my neck. Had a pretty good orgasm shortly after he stopped, squirting all over. Luckily we had a towel down (though it still leaked through to the sheets). We went to a show a few hours later, and I had a short skirt and a tank top on. Had it not been dark in there, and if anyone were to actually look, people would have seen little red dots all up and down the back of my legs, and a lot more on my shoulder. Peter was really loving my outfit thought because he kept putting his hand up my skirt as the artists played on stage. You'd think he was just going for my ass. He did that, yes, but he went up the front of my skirt more, and would pat my cunt, or slip the tip of his finger under my panties for a second. Everyone was so close together and it was so dark that I doubt anyone noticed. Peter was convinced that people were looking, praying that my skirt would fly up or that I'd bend over. I really enjoy the fact that he finds me that sexy where he thinks other do too. Since being with him, my confidence level has gone up dramatically. Obviously a good thing! Had he not had to work the next morning at 3am (and we didn't get back until roughly 1:30am), we probably would have had sex from all the excitement, but he wanted to get a little bit of sleep.

Normally I go home on Sundays, but since it was so late I stayed. I've started to take my dog over to his house every time I come over, so she was still there on Monday. I went over to his place, and we had a taco night. Quite delicious! His first time having vegetarian tacos, and he really enjoyed them. After dinner, we sat around for a bit, letting our stomachs settle, before going to the bedroom to have sex. The sex was wonderful, as it usually is. He made me come so hard and squirt so much that after the first orgasm, he laughed and said he felt like he should be wearing his swimsuit for this. I giggled, and he pulled me down on the bed so I was laying in my mess (even though I was already covered in it since it shot off like a fountain all over my stomach and tits), and apparently he wasn't done. He started to fuck me again and a few seconds later, went back to rubbing my clit like a mad man. I came hard, again. And squirted a lot, again. He laughed, pulled me down again (by now, the wet spot was up to my head and all the way down to my ass), and fucked me until he came. He pulled out to come all over me. Made me lick up what got on him, then left to go clean himself up and get me a washcloth. By now, the wet parts of the mattress were so cold. I was shivering from that, plus the "sex legs" that I tend to get. I cleaned up, he took the sheets off the bed to throw them in the wash, and told me to use a towel to soak up the mess I made from the mattress.

As I knelt on the towel, and pushed into the mattress, we started to talk. I was debating if I should even post this in here or not because it's more about life and "my crazy", but I realize it makes good sense to discuss this. Who knows, someone out there might have the same issues, and see that they're not alone. Peter was asking if it was good for me, and I told him yes, although I really wanted a good beating and have for some time now, I just didn't want to bring it up. I was worried that it would be wrong of me because I wouldn't want him to think I was calling the shots and telling him what to do. This is when the conversation took a turn, and I got emotional. We had previously had a conversation about how he doesn't ever want me to be 100% submissive, and that he doesn't want a complete slave; he wants to have his girlfriend too. Which I have no problems with, and I told him this. Though there apparently was a bit of a misunderstanding on my end. I thought he just meant in life in general, not in the bedroom. Through tears, I explained this to him. I swear, if I were a superhero my superpower would be the power to cry uncontrollably when I get nervous or just a little bit anxious. I would be the lamest superhero ever. He explained that he meant for it to be all the time, and that I can speak up. If I want a good beating during sex, I need to tell him. Peter said if I don't speak up, eventually I would probably end up being frustrated from not being satisfied how I want to be and go somewhere else. I don't think I would because I love him for so much more than just how he pleases me sexually. Which lead to another problem that I somehow created in my head. I'm afraid to tell him that I want the beatings because I don't want him to think I only want rough sex all the time. I explained to him that all of this stuff is fairly new to me. I mean, I've dabbled here and there with some rough sex, but nothing this rough. So it's all new, and extremely exciting for me. So of course I'm going to crave it more, but I just don't want him to think that is all I want. He understood, and told me not to worry so much. He also brought up how maybe we should take the roles out of the equation until I can get used to asking for what I want, or at least come up with some sort of way for me to tell him. I was really reluctant at first to skip the roles because honestly, part of what gets me all hot and bothered is knowing that I am his. But I can still be his without the pressure. Of course, all of this "pressure" is my own damn fault. I expect too much of myself. I've been trying so hard to get out of my head. Peter thinks I shouldn't try so hard, and just let go. Easier said than done, I know. I'm seriously a work in progress. I finally finished soaking up what I could of my mess, he kissed me a bunch, and we went to snuggle and watch TV in the living room.

This week I'm actually quite busy with work. I'm not sure when I'll get to see Peter. Probably Friday. I will do my best to ask for what I want too. It is my plan. I can't say if I will want a fierce beating or not by this weekend, but I probably will. I still want one really bad right now, but we'll see.

Life vs. Kink

I was at Peter's house basically from Wednesday night until Sunday night. You'd think I'd have some crazy sex story to tell from some point in there, but I really don't have too much. We do actually do more than just hang out and have sex all the time, and this weekend was no exception. We were lucky enough to have sex once each day I was there, but no more than that. His birthday went off without a hitch. I made reservations for 8 because he told me on Wednesday he will probably want to have sex before dinner, and maybe again after. So I figured in the time I would get to his place, a nice window of time for sex, and then the drive time to get to the restaurant, and 8 seemed like a good time. With me speeding to his house, and traffic not being as bad as I thought it would be, we managed to make it to the restaurant by 7:45-ish. Little did we know we would be at dinner for three hours. The service wasn't bad, it was just that we chose to do this deal they had which was a four-course meal for two. We were completely stuffed, and we barely made a dent in each course. Needless to say, food comas took over, and there was really no time for the second round of sex for the day.We did manage to stay up long enough for Peter to open up the gifts I got him. He loved all the little random things I got him, and especially loved the pinwheel and Ghostbusters II action figures I got him.

Friday, he was having a small gathering with his friends to celebrate his birthday. A couple of my friends who he has met before also came out, and we all played Apples to Apples and had some drinks. Peter had bought two bottles of champagne for himself (which he drank both of them), and I had some weak mixed drinks. I may have developed a very slight buzz, but Peter was rocking the drunk card. Not sloppy drunk, just the "feelin' good" kind. When everyone left, we were able to have sex. We both know that sex and kink don't really mix so even though we wanted to, we left the tools and toys out of the equation. Though my ass and tits did take quite a beating from his hands. I had joked on his birthday about giving him his 30 birthday spankings, and his reply was simply "you'll be getting my birthday spankings". Since it hadn't happened yet, I figured this was it (although he mentioned wanting to use the wooden paddle). Turns out he wasn't counting, but that's alright. It was all very nice, and left some nice marks.

Both Saturday and Sunday we spent 75% of the day at a comic book convention. On Saturday, we stood in line to get comics signed by the one and only Stan Lee. The weekend was filled with nerdgasms, donating blood (they had a blood drive at the actual convention), and then passing out candy and comic books to the trick-or-treaters. I dressed up as Supergirl for Halloween, and Peter couldn't take his eyes off me, or stop looking up my skirt (which...if you know her costume, the skirt is very short). We ended our Halloween with a good ol' romp in the sheets; with me still in full costume. We flipped positions a few times. When he was behind me, he kept pulling the skirt down so that it barely covered my ass, and held it there. Occasionally cracking me barehanded on the ass. The whole time, I desired more. Being in costume makes me want to role play so bad. I may have only successfully role played once or twice, but never to the extent of involving costumes or any tools. I wanted...I don't know...Lex Luthor torturing Supergirl to find out where Superman was. Or maybe he just had a thing for Supergirl. I wanted to be caned, tied up, tortured with the new pinwheel. Something. I really don't know what I wanted exactly. I've barely dabbled in the role playing area, but it's always seemed interesting to me. Master had told me he had tried it before, and that it really wasn't his thing. I was able to have an orgasm (I don't have to have play in order to achieve one), but Master could tell something was on my mind (as much as I tried to clear it). I explained to him how I thought since he wanted me to leave the costume on there might be more to it than just having sex wearing a costume. That I wasn't upset, just a little bummed, but it was alright and that I still really enjoyed myself. He said he would revisit the role playing because it's something I really wanted to do, and that he'd read up on some things. Of course me being me, I instantly felt bad because it felt like he was being forced to do something he didn't want to, or that it was a burden. Which I didn't want to do to him. I argued that he didn't have to, but he said he would. It still feels a little like I'm burdening him, but that could just be my hormones getting the best of me (three cheers for being a woman).

His work schedule is crazy again, so seeing him will be a task. I'm going over to his place today after work, but only for a short while. I was incredibly horny all day yesterday and Peter asked me if I was going to take care of it, or if I was going to wait for him. I told him it depended on when I'll get to see him. So we made plans to see each other today. Probably going to take care of dinner first, then get down to business, that way we can spend the rest of our time together just snuggling and watching TV or talking. I really do just love spending time with Peter. I don't think I've ever felt more comfortable, or had as much fun as I do just hanging around and goofing off as I do with him. And obviously when it comes to sex, the man is the bee's knees. Yeah, I said it.

I'm still trying to keep up with updating once a week, though life does get in the way of the kink. So you there may be more and more about life in general on here than originally planned. Tags will help for the pervy readers who just want to read the kinky stuff.

Hope you all had a fantastic Halloween weekend!!!