Dealing with loss.

I started writing this entry basically the day after my last entry because like I said, I wanted everything to be fresh, and with every detail I could muster up. Unfortunately, more sickness as well as tragic events shook things up....



Tuesday, January 25th when I got home, Peter was on the couch so I went to go relax with him. I kicked my legs up on his lap while we tried to figure out what to do for dinner. He started smacking my leg repeatedly. I tried to make him stop a couple times until I realized he wasn't doing it to be a dick....he was prepping my skin. It's been a while since I've had a good beating, so basically I've gone soft. I took it for a while, my skin was red hot, until he decided to give me a break. We went out, did dinner, then came back and started preparing fruit bowls for the week. By the time we finished that, it was late and he had to get up early for work (by early I mean 1am). He gave me a choice; either we could have fun that night but not to the full extent we were hoping (and risk him being exhausted for work), or we could have fun the next day and really go all out. I opted for the latter, but we still had sex. When we got to the bedroom, he pinched my nipples and forced me to my knees. I told him that I thought we weren't doing the whole shebang, and he simply said that that doesn't mean I can't be on my knees for him. I sucked on him for a while, then he told me to get myself ready for his cock. I lubed up while I continued to suck on him a few minutes longer, then he had me get on my knees on the bed. He fucked me for a while, and couldn't stop grabbing my ass and just staring at it. He hasn't fucked it in so long and I know he really wants to. Even if I hadn't known before we started to fuck, I would have because he kept circling my hole with his thumb as he fucked my cunt. Eventually he had me flip over so he could be on top of me. He told me he wanted me to cum for him, so I began to touch myself. It was in this moment when I realized just how much it turns me on to watch him watch me masturbate. I don't know if it's just that he was watching that, or the fact that he was watching me touch myself while he fucked me. Either way....it was hot, and I came so fucking hard. I started to play with his nipples when he moved back down closer to me, something I noticed a few nights ago that really does it for him. Flicking my tongue against them, sucking gently on them, pinching them...it drives him wild. I found a nice rhythm between what he liked while he fucked me. Listening to him moan, his cock swelling inside of me, the familiar rhythm of him moving in and out of me pushed me over the edge again. Peter loves it when I am actually able to cum without the use of hands or toys. I do too, especially because it rarely ever happens. It turned me on so much, I really started focusing on his nipples again, this time more with my mouth and sucking them. First sucking light, then harder, and back again. I could tell from how he moaned that he was getting closer. Finally he came, and I held onto his nipple until I started to feel him come down (which wasn't for 20 seconds or so). We were both exhausted and just laid there for a few moments while we tried to catch our breath before cleaning up. I sat with him in bed for a little bit after while we played games our own DS. Even though I was just sitting there, I was still trying to get my breathing back to normal. It was just really good sex with fantastic orgasms.

Wednesday night Peter had plans to tie me up and do lots of fantastic things to me. We went out to dinner to watch the hockey game, then came right home to get to it. Well, I wasn't feeling great after eating. Something didn't taste right in my food. So we just started to ease into things. I sucked Peter off on the couch for a while. He said it felt so good he didn't want me to stop, so I didn't until he came. He was going to "take care of me", but from how he said it....I thought he meant just get me off, and I didn't want just that. So I declined, and got ready for bed. I started to not feel too hot, so it ended up working out. Though he later explained that he meant he was going to flog me a bit, but  like I said....not feeling great.

Thursday I was rudely awoken at 5am by the urge to be sick. I spent about 75-80% of the day in the bathroom violently being sick. Once I felt like I wasn't going to be sick for at least 10 minutes, I called the restaurant to let them know what had happened. By Friday, I was better. I just felt really sore and still a little nauseated, so playing was still out of the question.

Saturday, January 29th in the early morning I received a call from my mother with some terrible news. One of my best friends (who was considered family) was killed in a car crash late Friday night. I have basically been wreck since, which would explain why I seemed to drop off the face of the earth for the last couple weeks. We've tried to have sex since then and it has been good, I've just been not really "all there".

Yesterday before going to a super bowl party, we had sex and it was really good. Randomly I asked him to use the candle wax. Now, I've never done this before, he has. So it was my first time getting hot candle wax dripped on me. At first it was a little intense and I wasn't sure if I liked it. Peter dripped it on my chest and stomach, then a little on my legs. He had me move to the edge of the bed so I could suck on his cock while he dripped the wax on me. Covering my tits with the wax as I screamed with his cock deep in my mouth...ahh, I'm sure it was quite a lovely sight for him. I know I sure started to enjoy it. When he moved to slide inside of me, I was super slick so he slid right in. He fucked me as he dripped more wax on me. Sometimes when he'd bring the candle up higher, it would splash against my skin and small drips would hit my neck, sending crazy sensations of slight pain all over. I asked him to drip some directly onto my nipples. I wanted to know what that felt like. I will say this right now....it is painful. A sexy kind of painful, but still....painful. They are still quite tender today.

I wanted to play when we got home, but neither of us was feeling up for it. I'd love to play tonight, but his work has decided to dick him around once more, so his new Monday work schedule is 4pm to midnight. Yes, he still has tomorrow off, but I don't so no playing tonight. If I want any sort of play action tomorrow, it will basically have to be right when I get home from work because he has to wake up on Wednesday at 1am for work.


I'm still trying to heal from all of the pain of my friends death, but I know it is going to take a lot of time. I keep trying to distract myself with things I enjoy doing, but every down moment I get I just feel....off.

Honesty....is key.

Peter and I finally got around to using his birthday gift Saturday afternoon. My concern with this gift was that it was three wheels instead of just the one, and that it would hurt more (and not in a good way). But I was excited none the less. When he used it, he did go gentle at first which tickled. He went a bit harder, and it started to feel really good. I was so surprised at how much I enjoyed it since I was still just getting used to the single wheel, but it was great!

Sunday, it made yet another appearance during sex. He ran it across my back like normal, but more on my ass and legs which I was loving ever second of it. Peter then had me flip over on my back, and started to roll it across my shoulders, collar bone, and up my neck. That when I started to freak out. The good kind of freak out. It sent all these incredible waves all over my body. The sensation was.....I have no idea how to explain it. had he been doing that, fucking me, and playing with my clit at the same time, I was sure to come. I just think that would have been difficult since he was holding himself up with one hand, fucking me, and rolling the wheel up and down my neck. Had a pretty good orgasm shortly after he stopped, squirting all over. Luckily we had a towel down (though it still leaked through to the sheets). We went to a show a few hours later, and I had a short skirt and a tank top on. Had it not been dark in there, and if anyone were to actually look, people would have seen little red dots all up and down the back of my legs, and a lot more on my shoulder. Peter was really loving my outfit thought because he kept putting his hand up my skirt as the artists played on stage. You'd think he was just going for my ass. He did that, yes, but he went up the front of my skirt more, and would pat my cunt, or slip the tip of his finger under my panties for a second. Everyone was so close together and it was so dark that I doubt anyone noticed. Peter was convinced that people were looking, praying that my skirt would fly up or that I'd bend over. I really enjoy the fact that he finds me that sexy where he thinks other do too. Since being with him, my confidence level has gone up dramatically. Obviously a good thing! Had he not had to work the next morning at 3am (and we didn't get back until roughly 1:30am), we probably would have had sex from all the excitement, but he wanted to get a little bit of sleep.

Normally I go home on Sundays, but since it was so late I stayed. I've started to take my dog over to his house every time I come over, so she was still there on Monday. I went over to his place, and we had a taco night. Quite delicious! His first time having vegetarian tacos, and he really enjoyed them. After dinner, we sat around for a bit, letting our stomachs settle, before going to the bedroom to have sex. The sex was wonderful, as it usually is. He made me come so hard and squirt so much that after the first orgasm, he laughed and said he felt like he should be wearing his swimsuit for this. I giggled, and he pulled me down on the bed so I was laying in my mess (even though I was already covered in it since it shot off like a fountain all over my stomach and tits), and apparently he wasn't done. He started to fuck me again and a few seconds later, went back to rubbing my clit like a mad man. I came hard, again. And squirted a lot, again. He laughed, pulled me down again (by now, the wet spot was up to my head and all the way down to my ass), and fucked me until he came. He pulled out to come all over me. Made me lick up what got on him, then left to go clean himself up and get me a washcloth. By now, the wet parts of the mattress were so cold. I was shivering from that, plus the "sex legs" that I tend to get. I cleaned up, he took the sheets off the bed to throw them in the wash, and told me to use a towel to soak up the mess I made from the mattress.

As I knelt on the towel, and pushed into the mattress, we started to talk. I was debating if I should even post this in here or not because it's more about life and "my crazy", but I realize it makes good sense to discuss this. Who knows, someone out there might have the same issues, and see that they're not alone. Peter was asking if it was good for me, and I told him yes, although I really wanted a good beating and have for some time now, I just didn't want to bring it up. I was worried that it would be wrong of me because I wouldn't want him to think I was calling the shots and telling him what to do. This is when the conversation took a turn, and I got emotional. We had previously had a conversation about how he doesn't ever want me to be 100% submissive, and that he doesn't want a complete slave; he wants to have his girlfriend too. Which I have no problems with, and I told him this. Though there apparently was a bit of a misunderstanding on my end. I thought he just meant in life in general, not in the bedroom. Through tears, I explained this to him. I swear, if I were a superhero my superpower would be the power to cry uncontrollably when I get nervous or just a little bit anxious. I would be the lamest superhero ever. He explained that he meant for it to be all the time, and that I can speak up. If I want a good beating during sex, I need to tell him. Peter said if I don't speak up, eventually I would probably end up being frustrated from not being satisfied how I want to be and go somewhere else. I don't think I would because I love him for so much more than just how he pleases me sexually. Which lead to another problem that I somehow created in my head. I'm afraid to tell him that I want the beatings because I don't want him to think I only want rough sex all the time. I explained to him that all of this stuff is fairly new to me. I mean, I've dabbled here and there with some rough sex, but nothing this rough. So it's all new, and extremely exciting for me. So of course I'm going to crave it more, but I just don't want him to think that is all I want. He understood, and told me not to worry so much. He also brought up how maybe we should take the roles out of the equation until I can get used to asking for what I want, or at least come up with some sort of way for me to tell him. I was really reluctant at first to skip the roles because honestly, part of what gets me all hot and bothered is knowing that I am his. But I can still be his without the pressure. Of course, all of this "pressure" is my own damn fault. I expect too much of myself. I've been trying so hard to get out of my head. Peter thinks I shouldn't try so hard, and just let go. Easier said than done, I know. I'm seriously a work in progress. I finally finished soaking up what I could of my mess, he kissed me a bunch, and we went to snuggle and watch TV in the living room.

This week I'm actually quite busy with work. I'm not sure when I'll get to see Peter. Probably Friday. I will do my best to ask for what I want too. It is my plan. I can't say if I will want a fierce beating or not by this weekend, but I probably will. I still want one really bad right now, but we'll see.